Rage Against the Audience
It may seem idiotic for me to shake my virtual little fist at certain groups of people for doing what might seem on the surface to be very trivial things. But the devil is in the details, and the devil also seems to be in these individuals as they quest to make my life a personal hell.
Sartre once said that "Hell is other people." Well, I can bet that Sartre never tried attending a showing of The Ring 2, but if he had, he would have been pleased that his feelings were affirmed. Now The Ring 2 is a pretty crappy movie, let's just get that part out of the way. It is in large part because of the crappiness of this film that the individuals I'm about to discuss are still alive. Who said Hollywood blockbusters are useless?
For some reason, there are people on this earth that will pay $10 and up to go and see a movie and then spend the *entire* time loudly discussing their relationships. When that gets old, these people will shout out messages to the characters on the screen, answer their cell phones, scream at inappropriate moments and laugh heartily at their own little jokes.
Forget road rage. I have movie theater rage.
It's gotten to the point that I attempt to see movies at the oddest hours possible. 12 noon on a Wednesday, for example. I'm thinking that the drunk people are still working on getting drunk, the giggly idiotic teenagers are either in school or drinking Boone's behind the gym, and the elderly hearing-impaired individuals are still in bed. Despite my best efforts, however, it never fails that not only will I be beset by the loudest, most self-centered, ridiculous people on the planet while I attempt to enjoy a movie, but they will sit *directly* behind or in front of me. I'm almost to the point of believing that I'm cursed. I go at odd hours. When there *are* other people in the theater I do a bit of "movie profiling". I will not sit anywhere near:
1. People who are already talking loudly although the movie has not yet begun
2. Teenagers
3. Parents with small children who are already asking "why", although there's nothing to inquire about as yet.
4. Very old people
5. More than one very overweight woman
Before you think that I'm a sizist, or an ageist, or whatever, let me tell you that I did not arrive at these qualifications without a hell of a lot of research. The abovementioned groups are people that have time and time again been rude, loud, or otherwise obnoxious during countless showings of films. I'm most baffled by the overweight woman phenomenon because there would seem to be no reason for their rudeness. Young kids are naturally loud, teenagers are naturally obnoxious, the elderly often have hearing problems that seem to require having every line in the movie repeated for them. I haven't figured out the large women's reasoning yet. But it happens, time and time and time again.
No amount of dirty looks or irritated "shhss" will stop these individuals. And they always arrive late, still chatty, and sit, as I said, right in front of me. In fact, I was once the *only* person in a particular showing until right as the lights went down and a woman who was 95 if she was a day shuffled down the aisle of the large, empty auditorium and sat *directly* in front of me. I was astonished. I moved, of course, but she managed to disrupt my viewing pleasure anyway as she fell asleep shortly after the feature started and snored, loudly.
And I have not even mentioned some of my favorite, although rarer individuals...
1. The Cell Phone ghosties. These people may not talk, but they will text message through an entire movie, and the glow from those phones can be fierce in a dark theater. Especially when they're (say it with me now) right in front of you.
2. Mr. Wasted Man. I don't know why Mr. Wasted Man decides that it's a grand ol' idea to get plastered and then come to a movie and yell stuff at the characters, but he does. And he'll always be ... where? you guessed it. Right in front of me.
3. And my personal favorite. Mr. Sensitive Comedy Man. This guy is a real rarity but when he shows himself, you're in for a real treat, oh yeah. This is the guy in the comedy that thinks that every line is so hilarious that the rest of the audience should be treated to an echo of it. "And the priest said, nah, just one for me!" *laughter* Mr. Sensitive Comedy Man: "hohohoho, the priest said, nah, just one for me! hohohoh"
OK. There are people out there who would say that I overreact. Bollocks to them. This is ten bucks of my money, and I for one did not pay 10 bucks to hear Buffy and Amber discuss their crush on Brad, or to hear Ebenezer the Geezer get a running play by play from his lovely wife Fannie. I like films, and I want to see (and hear) the damn thing. I have even read message boards where people *defend* this idiotic behavior by claiming "it's what makes the movie fun". If that's what you need to make a movie fun, that's what Blockbuster is for, ya morons.
And that's all I've got to say about that. For now.
Sartre once said that "Hell is other people." Well, I can bet that Sartre never tried attending a showing of The Ring 2, but if he had, he would have been pleased that his feelings were affirmed. Now The Ring 2 is a pretty crappy movie, let's just get that part out of the way. It is in large part because of the crappiness of this film that the individuals I'm about to discuss are still alive. Who said Hollywood blockbusters are useless?
For some reason, there are people on this earth that will pay $10 and up to go and see a movie and then spend the *entire* time loudly discussing their relationships. When that gets old, these people will shout out messages to the characters on the screen, answer their cell phones, scream at inappropriate moments and laugh heartily at their own little jokes.
Forget road rage. I have movie theater rage.
It's gotten to the point that I attempt to see movies at the oddest hours possible. 12 noon on a Wednesday, for example. I'm thinking that the drunk people are still working on getting drunk, the giggly idiotic teenagers are either in school or drinking Boone's behind the gym, and the elderly hearing-impaired individuals are still in bed. Despite my best efforts, however, it never fails that not only will I be beset by the loudest, most self-centered, ridiculous people on the planet while I attempt to enjoy a movie, but they will sit *directly* behind or in front of me. I'm almost to the point of believing that I'm cursed. I go at odd hours. When there *are* other people in the theater I do a bit of "movie profiling". I will not sit anywhere near:
1. People who are already talking loudly although the movie has not yet begun
2. Teenagers
3. Parents with small children who are already asking "why", although there's nothing to inquire about as yet.
4. Very old people
5. More than one very overweight woman
Before you think that I'm a sizist, or an ageist, or whatever, let me tell you that I did not arrive at these qualifications without a hell of a lot of research. The abovementioned groups are people that have time and time again been rude, loud, or otherwise obnoxious during countless showings of films. I'm most baffled by the overweight woman phenomenon because there would seem to be no reason for their rudeness. Young kids are naturally loud, teenagers are naturally obnoxious, the elderly often have hearing problems that seem to require having every line in the movie repeated for them. I haven't figured out the large women's reasoning yet. But it happens, time and time and time again.
No amount of dirty looks or irritated "shhss" will stop these individuals. And they always arrive late, still chatty, and sit, as I said, right in front of me. In fact, I was once the *only* person in a particular showing until right as the lights went down and a woman who was 95 if she was a day shuffled down the aisle of the large, empty auditorium and sat *directly* in front of me. I was astonished. I moved, of course, but she managed to disrupt my viewing pleasure anyway as she fell asleep shortly after the feature started and snored, loudly.
And I have not even mentioned some of my favorite, although rarer individuals...
1. The Cell Phone ghosties. These people may not talk, but they will text message through an entire movie, and the glow from those phones can be fierce in a dark theater. Especially when they're (say it with me now) right in front of you.
2. Mr. Wasted Man. I don't know why Mr. Wasted Man decides that it's a grand ol' idea to get plastered and then come to a movie and yell stuff at the characters, but he does. And he'll always be ... where? you guessed it. Right in front of me.
3. And my personal favorite. Mr. Sensitive Comedy Man. This guy is a real rarity but when he shows himself, you're in for a real treat, oh yeah. This is the guy in the comedy that thinks that every line is so hilarious that the rest of the audience should be treated to an echo of it. "And the priest said, nah, just one for me!" *laughter* Mr. Sensitive Comedy Man: "hohohoho, the priest said, nah, just one for me! hohohoh"
OK. There are people out there who would say that I overreact. Bollocks to them. This is ten bucks of my money, and I for one did not pay 10 bucks to hear Buffy and Amber discuss their crush on Brad, or to hear Ebenezer the Geezer get a running play by play from his lovely wife Fannie. I like films, and I want to see (and hear) the damn thing. I have even read message boards where people *defend* this idiotic behavior by claiming "it's what makes the movie fun". If that's what you need to make a movie fun, that's what Blockbuster is for, ya morons.
And that's all I've got to say about that. For now.
posted by Dana at 2:10 PM
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